We often get told to "just be yourself" and while I understand the intent behind it, sometimes it can create a bit of a conflict.
On one hand, I strongly believe that people should be themselves. I encourage my clients to stop trying to be who they think other people want them to be and instead find a way to express who they genuinely are. Yet on the other hand, I know that we live in a world where people make assumptions, form impressions and respond to what they see, hear and experience.
This was very much on my mind while I was writing my upcoming book about The RED Effect®. Around that time, I attended a two-day workshop with healer and intuition teacher Jennifer Main. One of the topics we explored was dreams and the possibility that they can offer insight into what's happening beneath the surface. She encouraged us to pay attention to our dreams and reflect on what they might mean.
I went into the workshop hoping for some clarity around the book. I'm not someone who usually remembers dreams. In fact, I rarely remember dreaming at all. So, before going to sleep on the first night, I remember thinking that if I did happen to dream, I should pay attention.
At around four o'clock the following morning I woke up with a very clear image in my mind and the distinct feeling that I needed to remember it.
By the time I woke properly, most of the dream had disappeared. However, one image had stayed with me. I was sitting behind a two-way mirror watching people. In particular, I noticed a woman standing in front of the mirror adjusting her hair and reapplying her lipstick.
At first I wasn’t quite sure what the message was, but the more I thought about it, the more I realised that it captured something many of us experience.
We all want to be accepted for who we are; we want to feel comfortable in our own skin and not feel as though we have to perform or pretend. At the same time, we're aware that other people are watching and we know that people form impressions and make judgements, sometimes consciously and sometimes unconsciously.
Whether we like it or not, mirrors exist everywhere. They're not always literal mirrors, but they're the people we meet, the audiences we speak to, the clients we pitch to, the colleagues we work alongside and the strangers we encounter. Through their reactions, opinions and perceptions, they reflect something back to us.
And that’s where it can trip us up a bit. We're told to "just be yourself", which sounds like wonderful advice on the surface. Yet most of us instinctively know that there are situations where context matters. You probably wouldn't speak to your closest friend in exactly the same way you would speak to a board of directors. You wouldn't necessarily behave the same way at a wedding as you would during a difficult conversation with a member of your team.
So we have to adapt. And that doesn’t mean being fake, or someone we’re not, but we have to respond to the situation we’re in at that moment.
I think sometimes we've confused authenticity with consistency. We assume that being authentic means showing up exactly the same way everywhere and with everyone. Yet I don't believe authenticity is about expressing every thought exactly as it enters your mind or behaving identically regardless of the circumstances.
To me, authenticity is more about acting in alignment with your values, your intentions and who you choose to be. It's about remaining true to yourself while also recognising that different situations call for different qualities.
And it’s this idea that sits at the heart of The RED Effect®.
The RED Effect® is not about becoming someone else. It's not about putting on a mask, creating a persona or learning how to impress people. It's about becoming more intentional about the version of you that you bring to any given situation.
So rather than asking, "How do I need to appear?", we need to ask questions like:
· Who do I want to be?
· What does this moment require of me?
· What outcome am I hoping to create?
· What qualities would best serve that outcome?
When we ask ourselves those questions, we can begin to make more conscious choices. We can decide which aspects of ourselves to lean into and which might need to take a back seat for a while. There’s nothing wrong with certain parts of us, but they may not be the most useful in that particular moment.
I see this regularly with clients who tell me they need to be more professional when presenting. Often what they really mean is that they think they need to become more serious, more formal or less like themselves. Unfortunately, the more they try to do that, the less engaging and authentic they become.
So the goal isn't to remove your personality; it's to express it in a way that works for the situation. Thankfully, being yourself and being taken seriously are not mutually exclusive; there is a difference between changing who you are and choosing how you express who you are.
In my experience, the people who create the greatest impact are not those who are trying to impress others. They're the people who have a strong sense of who they are and are thoughtful enough to adapt that to the context they find themselves in.
Unfortunately, the world will continue to judge us and sometimes those judgements will be fair and sometimes they won't be. We can't control that but what we can control is how intentionally we choose to show up.
For me, that's what authenticity really looks like; it's not bringing exactly the same version of yourself to every situation, but bringing the version of yourself that is most aligned with your values, your intentions and the moment you're in.
Mel Sherwood is a Presentation Skills and Personal Impact Speaker, Founder of The RED Effect® and Author of ‘The Authority Guide to Pitching Your Business: How to make an impact and be remembered - in under a minute!’ She works with global business leaders, teams and individuals who want to be more confident, credible and compelling in their communication. An Australian based in Scotland, Mel is an award-winning speaker, author and coach and combines over 25 years’ experience in business with a background as an actor, presenter and singer.